Dear sir Saint Valentine,
I am writing with regards to your name-day celebration on the 14th of February. I will not be able to attend.
With all due respect sir, I think that you are a phony and a wannabe saint , and unlike mister Saint Nicholas, a.k.a Santa Claus you are incapable of providing proper goods in exchange for faith. Your last gift with serial number # 06102006 also known as L.O.V.E. was received in a very poor condition. Simply put sir, your last gift malfunctioned. I have sent the package back and I expect on your behalf full reimbursement. I will not send another check of faith until my demand is met.
Sincerely yours,
Agamemnon Pearce.
PS. It is an utter precondition that in order for my faith to be completely reinstated, you sir, shall deliver gifts as Mr Santa Claus has being so humbly being doing so for the past some-rty years now.
